Joining the masses

I just simply got tired of Blogger being down whenever I wanted to post something. Still not sure how things work over here at Typepad, but I'll give it a try for a while. The Blogger site will stay up for a little while because there is still some trepidation about making the move, but maybe this will be a good omen for a fresh start. Funny how it feels a bit like cheating on your hair stylist....

My new home is at:
http://conceptionchronicles.typepad.com/

Hopefully this won't jinx anything by changing part way through IVF#1, but I really have faith that both the new site and my new condition will work out.

It has been so long

The last time I was pregnant was 2 1/2 years ago and it all happened so quickly that it has become a bit of a fog in the recesses of my brain.

We had gotten married in October and went to San Francisco for 4 days for our honeymoon (which was amazing!). After getting back home, I was immersed in the last minute preparations for a national conference that was going to take place in a couple of week, in addition to my regular job which had been neglected for the past few weeks before the wedding.

I remember missing my period and really thinking that it was only because of all the stress and excitement over the past month. Finally, after a week or so I decided to POAS which to my total surprise displayed two pink lines. Wow, I was shocked and so was my husband. His reaction was, "That was quick...a bit too quick. I'm not sure that I'm ready yet" and then he walked out of the room. Hardly the joyous hugs and tears that I was hoping for. I figured that he would get used to the idea, which he did over the next couple weeks.

I don't really recall what I felt like at all to be pregnant or what symptoms I had. The only thing that I remember is that at the conference which was a four day event of running around putting out fires, I came home each night feeling like I had been hit by a bus. My energy level had dropped and I was exhausted. After that point, I had a few symptoms like sensitivity to smell, nausea and fatigue, but I can't remember anything else.

The past two days, the pain from my ovaries has become very dull and really the only thing that I feel is very crampy. Like pre-period cramps. Nights are the worst and I woke up twice last night with painful cramps. No blood, no spotting. That, however, is no consolation because last time I lost one, it was a missed miscarriage-there was no blood and no symptoms. I just don't know what to think. Is this the beginning of the end? Of course, I read that mild cramps are normal, and I am not having any 'seering' pain on one side that might be indicative of an ectopic. Rather, it is a dull ache, but at times it is quite strong. I am going crazy and I wish I could remember if I had any of these symptoms before. Are these pains related to pregnancy? Miscarriage? IVF? OHSS?

My mess of things

I was recently tagged by my good friends Hopeful Mother, Barely Sane, Angie, and Wannabemom.

So now I have to post an embarrassing list of items that I keep in various places. I'm not sure that any of these items are that interesting to you, but I'll give it a go anyways and hopefully no one is analyzing!

5 items in my fridge:
-A bag of yummy cheeses - Gorgonzola, Camembert, Salt Spring Island goat cheese, Gouda, block of Parmesan - too bad I can't eat many of them right now!
-Anchovy paste - for a killer Caesar salad dressing
-free range eggs
-Santa Cruz mango spritzer
-Green Gazpacho that a lady from work made for me since I am on bedrest - probably the best I have ever tasted and I contribute my feeling better entirely to eating that soup!

5 items in my closet:
-Senseo coffee machine (shower gift for a girlfriend)
-wedding dress
-2 old laptop bags
-a few clothes - I don't buy a lot of clothes and don't tend to hold onto them for years either
-iron and ironing board - I am a compulsive ironer - it is a problem and I should seek help

5 items in my car:
-dental floss - I am a bit anal about dental care
-lip gloss
-gum
-emergency road kit - I grew up driving through the Rocky mountains and so I was trained to carry all sorts of dumb stuff (portable shovel, candles, flares, jumper cables) in case you get stuck on the road. Of course, this really only applies to winter driving, but why risk it!

That is everything because in this city if you leave anything else in the car you are tempting fate. Break-ins are a daily occurrence here and most of our cars have been broken into so many times that we are tired of losing stuff.

5 items in my purse:
-dental floss
-lip gloss
-cell phone
-Palm Pilot
-Always panty liner - 'cause you never know...

OK, please forgive me ladies, but I feel compelled to pass on this torch of distraction:
Beth - Prop your hips up
Sunny Jenny -Infertile Myrtle
Anne Marie - Come undone
Beagle - Fortune Cookie Follies
Nina - Stella/Ben

The OHSS is starting to subside....finally! I am down to just a few Tylenol a day, and this morning I could actually put my pants on for the first time in 10 days. Ovaries are obviously still healing, but at least I am feeling a bit more normal!

Fertility Shrine at Koyasan

Ann Marie over at Come Undone wrote today about the fertility symbols/artifacts that she has collected, and it reminded me of my adventure to a fertility shrine in Japan.

I travel a bit for work and usually it is to Asia. The two week trips are often so jam-packed with meetings that I have little time to do anything else. Where ever I go, however, I try to take at least one day off for sightseeing just because if you are going that far, you might as well see something. Besides, my workplace is very reasonable and they figure that if I am going to work 14 days straight with no weekends and be away from my life, the least they can do is cover one day of free time.

So last time I went to Japan, I planned to visit a place that my friend had told me about. The location sounded very beautiful, but what really attracted me to it was that there was supposed to be a fertility shrine in the cemetery there and I could use all the help I could get.

From Osaka, I took a train about an hour away from the city towards the mountains. The train actually came to the last stop and I was a bit uncertain as to where I was, except that there were a few other people there too (October, so not a huge tourist time there). I don't speak a word of Japanese and spend most of my time there lost and wondering if I am in the right place.

My final destination was a place called Koyasan, or Mount Koya, where over one hundred temples stand in this small wooded town. My intention was to stay overnight in a temple in order to have a more traditional Japanese experience, and of course, visit the fertility shrine.

Once I had traveled up the mountain via a rickety cable car, I caught the bus that goes through the town and got off at the right stop (first time ever that I didn't get lost there) and walked to the entrance of the temple. At this point, the rain had started to come down quite hard and my umbrella was really taking a beating. At what appeared to be the entrance from the shoes in the cubby holes outside, I waited, unsure of what to do and not wanting to do anything sacrilegious since this was a temple. Finally a monk found me standing in the very cold hallway and invited me in to the office where we both sat on the floor at a table. I paid for the evening's stay in cash (which included two meals) and then he took me on a tour of the temple through what seemed to be winding hallways, larger halls, then back to smaller hallways. He pointed to where the bathroom was and provided instructions on taking insdie slippers off before you step into the bathroom and slide on the special bathroom slippers. Got it. Then off down another hallway, turn right, turn left. All I could think about was oh my God, I better start leaving breadcrumbs or I will never find my way back to the bathroom from my room.

Finally we arrive at a small room. The paper door slides open revealing a room straight out of "The Last Samurai". There really weren't any instructions about where we would go for dinner or anything else, and their English was really limited, but they did mention that dinner would be at 6pm sharp. That would give me enough time to head out to the shrine and get back. He did say something else and pointed to outside, but I couldn't figure out what he said, so I ignored it.

Now the rain was really coming down and the small travel umbrella was bending under the power. Not only that, but the wind had picked up and was starting to dangerously sway the large trees surrounding the area.

Sometimes things don't click with me, or at least it takes a while, and when I am traveling in a strange land, even more so. I suddenly remembered hearing people on the train talking in Japanese..."blah blah blah typhoon blah blah blah". As my umbrella turned inside out, I realized that they had been talking about an impending typhoon that was about to hit Japan that night and realized that the monk might have been warning me about going outside. Of course, I had also heard that on the news, but being from the west coast of Canada, when we hear about bad weather in Toronto we tend not pay it too much attention because it is thousands of miles away. Not so in Japan.

Nevertheless, I hadn't come all this way for nothing, and I was determined to make it to the shrine, so with the rain flying sideways soaking every inch of my body and my head down to the wind, I make my way into the entrance of the cemetery. It was so cold that I had my yoga pants which I was going to wear as pjs wrapped around my head and neck and every piece of clothing on in attempts to stay warm. Normally, this scene would have been something out of a horror movie, "Young girl enters the dark cemetery never to return", but oddly I wasn't too scared. There was no one else around, but this is Japan, where you honestly can't go too far without running into someone.

The cemetery is filled with thousands of graves and shrines. I believe that even some famous Samurai are buried there, not that I could read any of the gravestones. But I did try and not too far into the forest I saw on my left a black marble shrine of a woman. It looked like she was
holding a baby in a uterus and I thought, that must be it!

There was a small box in front where you are supposed to deposit money and then take a candle to light. I made a donation and grabbed three candles: one for the baby I lost, one for my future
fertility and one for my friend who was (and still is) battling infertility. Somehow, I managed to extricate a package of matches from my soaking wet pocket and with the wind whipping at me from every direction miraculously the candles lit. I placed them carefully in the sand and closed my eyes. I am not a religious person, so I am not sure exactly what I was supposed to say or think, but I just stayed still for a few minutes and tried to clear my mind.

Shortly after, I realized that the storm was not easing up at all, and I was a bit afraid that I really hadn't seen anyone else out walking. So back I headed back to the temple where I was served the most delicious dinner in the solitude of my room. I contemplated the fertility shrine and the candles that would burn there that night symbolizing my hope for the future.

If you are ever traveling to Japan, I'd be happy to give you the name of the temple and more specific details. It truly is a special place to visit, despite being a bit out of the way. Recently it was named a UNESCO World Hertiage site and it is not at all touristy. You need to be willing to make the trek and stay in humble accomodations, but the journey is well worth it.

*UPDATE*
2nd beta results are in = 2800
Nurse said that this is good. I'll believe her for now until I convince myself otherwise. Ultrasound #1 is on June 19th, so we'll have to wait a while for that final hurdle.

Another day on the couch

The OHSS situation seems to be very slowly subsiding. By slowly, I mean 'glacier-melting' rate. The bloating has gone down, but I think that my ovaries have become more swollen, hence the night sans sleep accompanied by pain in any position that I tried to rest my body. My weight is down by .4kg, but my girth is up by a cm. The increase in pain could be related to my attempt to decrease the Tylenol intake, but I am waiting to hear back from the nurses as to what I should do. The best news is that, knock on wood, there has been no more bleeding or even spotting.

You know, if it weren't so uncomfortable I could get used to this staying home! I love reading and I am able to just plough through books. In addition, I have caught up on loads of movies and best of all, two seasons of Arrested Development! -I loved that show. My internet time has quadrupled and I get to chat on the phone with all my friends and family. If only it weren't for the pain....

**Update**
The nurse has said to go back to the double dose of Tylenol if it helps with the pain. She also said to continue with the Gravol because it might help me sleep a bit more. Funny, I always thought that you couldn't take Gravol when you are pregnant, but maybe I am not pregnant enough for them to worry about it.

Still not used to the idea and think that it will certainly take quite a while to get to that point. Perhaps if we make it so far as an ultrasound and can see something it won't feel as surreal.

Back on the rollercoaster

I don't know how my husband will ever recover from today's drama. Women are used to drama and I think that we bounce back easier.

Last night there were serious AF cramps in addition to pain. The Tylenol helped with the pain, but not the cramping.

Around noon today, I ventured to the bathroom to measure another cup of pee. Leaned over to put the cup into the sink, grabbed the paper to wipe, and low and behold....BRIGHT RED!!

I lost my breath for a moment before I went completely hysterical. Had it been spotting, you know, a bit brownish pre-AF spotting, I wouldn't have freaked, but it was really red like AF was here in full force. Then the cramping and back aches all seemed to flood over me at once. I phoned my husband, unable to speak because I was crying so hard. He said he would leave work immediately to come home.

When he got here, he immediately phoned the clinic and talked to the nurse. She obviously sensed how upset we were and recommended that we go right away for the blood test and then they could call us back later this afternoon. If it was my period, then the cycle hadn't worked, if I am pregnant, they'd be more concerned about the bleeding. Now, remember, we've already done two pee sticks and know that for at least 24 hours I was pregnant.

At that point I was less hysterical, but still upset. We went to the lab where they tested for pregnancy and OHSS. Then we waited.

At first, my husband was trying hard to cheer me up and was saying anything possible to make me feel better, but after a while, it started to hit him and then he became sullen and sad too. He is the eternal optimist, so when he is sad about something, then there is something to be sad about.

Finally, after a gruelling 4 hours, the nurse calls us back and he answers the phone. She is talking to him and he is listening. Then there is a very very tiny glint in his eye and he smiled; not huge mind you, but he smiled and passed me the phone.

Turns out the beta was 478, so at this moment the IVF appears to have worked. She said that the cramping could be pg symptoms or the ovaries still recovering. The blood could be a number of things as well. If there were two, one could be fizzling out, or it could be blood from something entirely unrelated (like what?...a paper cut?)

When I hung up the phone my husband was happy, of course, but also very annoyed at the scare and actually left to go play soccer. I think that guys just don't get it. After going through all of this, seeing bright red blood when wiping, equates to disaster. He doesn't understand what I was so worried about and annoyingly told me not to scare him like that.

So, why am I not super happy? This is the result that we wanted yet, I feel like I am balancing on the edge of a cliff and just as I was starting to fall off, I was pulled back and am now back to balancing on my heels.

Funny, how people who don't deal with IF would have gotten this same news and would probably be, at this moment, celebrating with their partners. The excitement and anticipation of a nice round belly and a future with kids. Yet, somehow I feel robbed. Here I am with the news that we all wait for, any many people never get, and I am not ecstatic. I just feel tired from crying all day thinking that it was all over. I'm still worried about what will happen.

Hopefully tomorrow will be much less dramatic!

OHSS update - 10dp5dt

Nothing dramatic has happened and other than the fact that my skin is peeling off like a snake, there are no significant worsening symptoms. I am eating Tylenol out of the candy dish now and almost don't need anything to drink them back with which is actually good because the nurse told me I am drinking too much. Can you believe that?? I am so parched and she is telling me to bring down my fluid intake to a maximum of 6 cups per day. The other bad news is my conversation with the nurse:

Sarah : "So I understand that each patient is different, but what is the range of how long this takes to heal?"
Nurse: "Well, it can take anywhere from a week to over a month"
Sarah: "OVER A MONTH!!!!!!!...You have got to be joking."
Nurse: "No, I'm not joking"
Sarah: "So what am I supposed to do that whole time?"
Nurse: "Rest and stay off your feet as much as possible"
Sarah: "Does that mean, like, bedrest?"
Nurse: "Well, let's just say doing the dishes would be too much."

This is crazy. I knew that OHSS was a possibility and a risk of doing IVF, but I kind of thought that when they say bedrest it meant that you lay flat for most of the day, but then take a break to go out for lunch or to the store or something. Apparently not!

So flat I am, but still trying to do a bit of work. This is the busiest time of my year and I had postponed a lot of things knowing that I would be going back to work yesterday. Now it looks like I am off for at least another week if not longer. There are a few things that I will just have to do when I can and in between throwing up and measuring my pee and everything else will be up to my colleagues to handle.

If you have a chance to drop by Sunnie or Thalia, they could really use some words of encouragement right now.

9 minutes and 35 seconds - 9dp5dt

Let me start by saying that if the nurse recommends taking Tylenol at consistent time intervals, heed her advice. This means that if you are someone who sleeps through the night, you need to set an alarm, wake up and take the Tylenol on a strict schedule. I may take Julia's advice for tonight and make one of those candy necklaces out of the extra strength Tylenol and wear it to bed.

For some reason I did not wake up to pee in the middle of the night as I usually do which meant that the last Tylenol I took was at 11pm last night. I awoke at 5:30am honestly believing that someone had broken into the house and was stabbing me repeatedly. Before I could reach over to see if the invader had already gotten to my husband, I let out a wail that startled him awake and he grabbed me. The intense pain caused me to gag and had there been anything in my stomach, I'm sure that it would have come up. He ran to the bathroom to get the Tylenol which I gobbled up. And then I had to wait while writhing in pain. At one point I even tried getting up to see if it would help to walk around. It didn't.

Two extra strength Tylenol pills take 9 minutes and 35 seconds to start releasing their heavenly painkilling properties. I instantly regretted not buying those fancy new fast-acting ones with the holes.

Now I am comfortably, as much as one can be, laying back on my 5th appendage (the couch) sipping Gatorade.

So what, might you ask, was I thinking as I my teeth were clenched and I laboured to breathe through the pain? Thank god that this thing worked because otherwise I would have considered hurling myself over the balcony.

Yes, it worked. Somehow in the haze of my pain, I remembered to go to the bathroom and POAS. I left the stick sitting in the bathroom and told my husband to go check it in a few minutes. He lept out of bed and came back with the test in hand. Two lines. Now the second line isn't that dark, but it is undeniably there and you don't even have to squint or use a magnifying glass to see it.

Suddenly the pain, became tolerable and it felt like I could survive through this knowing that there is real hope that something good might come out of it. It is early, and I haven't had any betas yet, so I know not to start screaming from the rooftop. In fact, we decided that we aren't going to share this news with anyone until after the second beta on June 9th when things will really be confirmed. Even if the results are still positive at that time, we are much less enthusiastic about telling people this time. Although, last time we waited a solid three months before we told anyone, and look how that turned out.

So I will savour this little secret and be happy for the moment. I promised myself to celebrate each small success that might come along this journey. Let's wait and see what the beta says on Thursday.

Holding steady - 8dp5dt

Can you believe it? With all this measuring fluids in and out I actually forgot to POAS this morning as I had intended! So tomorrow perhaps I'll remember to pop that little stick into the measuring cup and see what happens!

Symptoms have not gotten any worse, so I guess that is good news. The clinic has been in touch with me a few times now to check up and have me measuring fluids in and out, weight and girth. Last night my left side was so incredibly painful that it woke me up. On a scale of 1 to 10, it was an 8 and nothing seemed to help. While I'm worried about what tonight will be like, they assured me that it would likely be better because I have been laying down all day. Not sure that I believe them, but I guess I don't have a choice. The other symptoms (bloatedness, nausea, etc.) have remained the same.

Everyone seems to say the same thing, that as painful and uncomfortable my physical situation as it is, it could be a good sign. Also, it gave me one day free of obsessing about how many hours until Thursday's beta.

Thanks for the support everyone and I promise to keep you posted about the POAS result!

Whoa Nellie! Whose belly is that? - 7dp5dt

I woke up a record 4 times last night. Usually I wake up once, go pee, then lay in bed for hours while I can't get back to sleep. Lately, the only way that I am assured at least 7 hours is to down a T3 right before bedtime. Well, last night I was suffering from an intensely sore tooth (right-before-the-root-canal-type-of-pain), so I actually took a T3 and hoped that I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night and have to go to the hospital for some emergency dental care.

Well, I did wake up a couple of hours later. No toothache, but had to pee. Off to the livingroom to drag my husband off to bed (of course, he fell asleep in front of the TV), and then to the bathroom. Only almost nothing came out.

Back to bed, fell asleep for another 2 hours. Woke up again with full-bladder feeling. Went to the bathroom. Trickle, trickle. Bladder still feels full. Hmm. Two more times this happened, in between which I had absoutely bizarre dreams.

Woke up in the morning laying on my back and when I looked down, I couldn't see my feet. Now, I think that I've mentioned in the past that my body-type is not the svelte, tiny-waisted kind. I'm not fat, but there are certainly an extra 15 pounds, especially after all this, that could probably be whittled away with some consistent exercise and better eating. Only this morning I got up and thought, praise the Lord, I'm 5-months pregnant and the last two weeks have been one of those season finale "nightmare/hallucination" scenarios.

No seriously, my abdomen is ENORMOUS! I got up and immediately ran to the bathroom because of the urgent need to do something other than pee. Oh my, something is not right. After a few bathroom visits, I started to waddle around the house, got dressed, was starting to feel much better. Went for a drive with my husband to do some errands and started to feel nauseous in the car. Didn't throw up until we got into the mall bathroom. And again, trickle, trickle, but not a real good pee.

We came home and I read through all our IVF materials again, vaguely recalling something about Over Hyper....something something. So OHSS, I discover includes the following symptoms:
-bloated full feeling
-distended abdomen
-nausea
-diarrhea
-clothes become very tight

The the list continues on the other side:
-little or no urine
-severe abdomen distention
-lower abdominal pain

Check, check and check. So I phone the clinic and leave a message on their emergency number and a nurse finally called me back. According to her, the symptoms sound right and the timing would be consistent, so I have to start monitoring and measuring what goes in and what comes out (Note to self: buy new measuring cup), for 24 hours and then talk to them again tomorrow. They think that I will likely go in for bloodwork on Monday...I'm thinking maybe they can sneak in an early HCG test so that I don't have to wait all bloody week!

At this point, I am not worried. Instructions are to stay off my feet entirely and try to get fluids into me which I plan to do for the next two days. Tomorrow we'll see how things have progressed. Hopefully I don't blow up into one of those parade balloons over night!

ps. today I look a bit more like this!

The mystical pull of FRED - 6dp5t

Thanks to everyone for their input about when to test. I am going to call the clinic to see if they can change the date to Thursday instead. My reasoning is that if it is negative, I don't think that I will be utterly devastated. Sad yes, and very disappointed, but I feel really positive about the fact that if it didn't work we have at least 2 more chances with what we have in the freezer. So the cycle can't be called a total bust even if the result is a negative.

I also did a bad thing yesterday. Walking innocently through the grocery store, I happened past the pharmacy section. Almost as if it were an invisible vortext pulling me towards it, I found myself standing in front of the great and powerful FRED. I really thought that I would have the willpower to pull myself from the mystical power of the oh so familiar pink and white box. Alas, all the willpower within me dissipated. Now, far from emptying the entire stock on the shelf, I selected one lone package with two tests.

Heeding the advice of others before me, I know that the dangerous POAS ritual can result in false negatives/positives and I promise to take that to heart. I've decided to POAS on Sunday morning. It will be 15 days from the HCG shot, 13 days since ER, and 8dp5dt. Even if it is negative, I promise not to be disappointed until I go for the beta on Thursday! Hope shall prevail until I get the cold, hard news that my HCG level is at 0!

How do I feel? Two people have commented on the rather enormous size of my chest. Both of them are on the inner circle and know what we have gone through, so we were all able to have a good laugh about it. I am also feeling lots of mild cramping. More aching I guess than real cramping. As I said before, there is something going on down there, but exactly what, I'm not sure.

It is my last day of vacation and while I am looking forward to being able to pass the time of the next week by doing some work, I have to say that I will miss the leisurely pace that my life has taken over the past two weeks. Now granted, I wouldn't wish to be in the pain that I was in last week, but there is nothing like looking at the agenda only to see two separate coffee dates, naptime, and tea time right along with the to do list which includes: buy new book, finish planting flowers and bake bread! Monday is back to the usual fast pace as I prepare for our busy summer season. All the better to pass the time until Thursday!

That other voice - 3dp5dt

At just a few days after transfer I am feeling a bit out of sorts. My ovaries are still very sore and it really hurts to do anything more stressful that go put another pot on for tea or to reach for the laptop computer on the table. Everything seems to take so much energy and physically, I really appreciate being off on vacation this week because I can't imagine dragging my sorry ass into my office and pretending that I am back from a very relaxing week away (most people at work think that I was on vacation this past week...ha..some trip!) I am bloated and am sure that I've packed on about 15 pounds over the past few months which is just depressing.

I am uncertain about what I am supposed to be feeling, if anything at all. I am, after all, only a few days into the wait. There are things happening down there, but I can't tell if it is just AF starting to churn her evil storm or if it is something else. It isn't quite cramps, but it is something. I am trying desperately to remember what it felt like to be pregnant before, except all the feelings meld together with all the months that I thought for sure that I had felt something "different". My boobs are huge (not that they are small normally) and feel different, but from what I understand that could just be the progesterone. I think someone once mentioned that the 2ww is a mindfuck! I totally agree. When is it too early to test? Should I POAS next week or not.

To make matters worse, my husband has planned a stag next weekend for a good friend of ours. It is a weekend trip that will take the boys about 4 hours from here. They leave Friday afternoon. My blood test is scheduled for Friday morning, and the clinic will call us with the results Friday afternoon. Today after work, my husband asked me how I am feeling (I've given up trying to explain to him that these symptoms might not mean anything at all, but he just smiles and says that he is going to keep asking!)

Then he asked if I would prefer to go for the blood test on Thursday instead of Friday, so that if the IVF didn't work that he could stay home with me. One part of me is so happy that he offered to stay home because he is not one to think more than 5 minutes ahead and I didn't think that it really clicked with him that I would be here alone the day that we got the results. Then that other voice in my head says, "But you could wait until Monday to test instead!" which means that he could go away and enjoy this weekend event that he looking forward to so much. Will I be worse off for waiting a few more days? In the grand scheme of things, does two days make a huge difference.

Uggh. So what do I do? Change to Thursday or wait until Monday? Or what is the first day that I can reasonably POAS?

Family in the freezer

Yes, it sounds like a grisly headline to some mass murder, doesn't it? To our certain distinguished group, however, it has a very special meaning. IVF vetrans know that this means that packed in there with the frozen meatloaf is hope for a family.

I forgot to mention it, but the lab called yesterday with the news that 3 more blastocysts made it to day 6 (although one didn't look great) and so they froze those ones as well. That makes the grand total of 7 in the freezer (4 from fertilization and 3 from yesterday).

If this cycle is a bust, which I am trying so hard to prepare for, at least it wasn't for nothing. We will have at least another 2 chances without going through this hell again.

Buns in the oven

(OK...I know it is a picture of a freshly baked loaf of bread, but I didn't have the energy to make buns!)

The transfer went smoothly, but the doctor had to talk to us before we started about the quality of the embryos. It isn't bad news necessarily, I'm just not sure that it can be qualified as jump-up-and-down good news either.

She reported that we had 2 that had made it to early blastocyst stage: one was graded 2AA the other 2BB. My understanding of 5-day transfers is that because of my age (34) and being that this is our first attempt at IVF, normally they would only transfer one blastocyst. However, because neither of them was stellar looking, we had to make the decision right there about transferring one or both.

Naturally, we'd had the discussion before and my husband was quite disappointed to learn originally that if we went to 5 days, they would likely only transfer one. He had gotten used to the idea that we might get the two-for-one deal! So when the doctor asked us, I replied, "Yes, no question, we understand the risks and will transfer both", to which my husband replies, "Are you sure you want to transfer two?" I just stared at him. We aren't supposed to be split on decisions like this, especially when he was so adamant just days before about how they should transfer two. "Yes, WE are sure." Why the last minute change of heart? Perhaps just nerves. I thought that it was women who were supposed to be indecisive.

Anyways, the doctor, looking a bit nervous asked, "Are you sure? Because once we start, we can't stop." Yes, we are sure. So in they went, a small flash of light as the embryos shot through the catheter hopefully crash landing on that cushy lining that is all ready for them. And that was that.

So now all there is to do is hope. I have tried to find more information about the grading system that they use, but have come up empty handed. Does anyone know where there might be a chart or something to decode what the 2AA and 2BB mean? I need to start obsessing about something soon and I figure research is as good as anything.

I am still off next week, although technically it is vacation. As a result I should have lots of time to start analyzing every twitch down there.

**UPDATE**
Blastocyst Grading Standards

GOOD	1.	Fully expanded or hatching day-five
ADEQUATE	2.	Fully expanded or hatching day-six Moderate expansion day-five
MEDIOCRE	3.	Moderate expansion day-six Early cavitation day-five
POOR	4.	Early cavitation day-six Morula day-five (?six)

• Add to this two alphabetic scores to grade i.e.,
  1st). Inner Cell Mass
  2nd). Trophectoderm

GOOD	A.	high cell number with good cell/cell adhesion
MEDIOCRE	B.	lower cell number with poorer cell/cell attachment
POOR	C.	no cells apparent (ICM) sparse granular (degenerate?) cells (trophectoderm)

Tomorrow is the day

Sorry for not updating sooner. It takes a lot of time to try to keep this whole IVF business private. The excuses that I have to come up with to get out of doing stuff is horrifying. I really hope that my friends that I haven't told will forgive me later on.

I was all ready for transfer yesterday when they called me at 8am to let me know that they wanted to wait until Saturday to do a 5-day transfer. Apparently, 6 of the embryos had divided and looked really good (the day previous there were only 3). They feel confident about going 5 days.

I'm not so sure that I feel as confident. My worst fear is that all the embryos will stop growing tonight and that tomorrow they will call and say, "We are very sorry, but...." and that there won't be even one to transfer. Anxiety has me so worked up, that I actually couldn't sleep at all last night.

Tomorrow morning at 10:15 (Pacific time), can you please send some positive energy our way. Maybe if enough people think positively all at the same time, something good will happen.

I'll keep you posted!

Transfer time may be upon us

I decided to treat myself today and visit the spa for a bit of R&R pampering. Sounds extravagant, I know, but a gift certificate that I had was burning a hole in my wallet. Besides, what better time to enjoy something just for me.

I decided on a pedicure, facial and wax...down there. Actually, I usually go for the Brazilian because then I don't have to worry about it for another 3 months. Because this was my first time at this particular venue, there were lots of questions and the esthetician wanted to assure me that my privacy was of utmost concern. She went on at length about how I would wear the paper panties in order to maintain dignity through this procedure.

Ha. I laughed. If she only knew that just Monday I was laid out spread-eagle on a table with five different people peering at my cooter, all the while being recorded via dildocam! Dignity. Who is she kidding!

The spa was wonderful and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute. As it turns out, good thing that I went ahead and did it today because it is quite possible that tomorrow is transfer day.

The clinic called and I have 3 4-celled eggs that are growing well. The others are 2-celled and mostly look nice (whatever that means), but they are growing slowly. Tomorrow at 8am they will call me to confirm whether we are doing a 3-day or 5-day transfer. I'm tentatively scheduled for tomorrow at 9:30 am.

I'm happy with the numbers although I would have been happier with a few more fast growers. There is still a chance that we will make it to day 5, but I think that it is more likely that tomorrow is the day.

My stomach is a bit fluttery with anticipation that this time tomorrow I could have two little embryos on board! I am excited, but it is a nervous sensation that comes with some trepidation. With all my heart I am trying to remember that things may work or things may not work. I don't recall what the stats are, nor do I wish to at this point. It is beyond my control and outside of common sense and certain pregnancy precautions, there is nothing that I can do to make this work.

Please please please work!!!!

A baker's dozen

Egg retrieval was this morning at 8am, as far as I can tell, things went fairly well. The only drama was that the girl putting the IV in was shaking so badly that she went right through the vein and then someone else had to do it.

It was more painful than I thought it would be, but I guess it is one of those things that you just bite down hard and bear it for 10 minutes. Being able to watch the follicles be drained on the ultrasound was pretty cool and acted as a fantastic distraction. The doctor was funny and made jokes about each one being worth at least a rose, to which one of the nurses replied, "go for jewelry!" so the feeling in the room was very lighthearted. I just tried to focus on breathing.

Ten long minutes later, we were done and I could relax my muscles and breath. Recovery was about 30 minutes and then my husband drove me home where I spent the rest of the day laying down flat. I missed taking the Tylenol at one point because I was sleeping...big mistake. The searing pain that shot through my netherreigions was enough to make me shout out. I gobbled down two (or three, can't remember) and then as timing would have it, my mom called. What a welcome distraction!

The Tylenol kicked in and now I am not going to tempt fate again and am on a strict 3 hour regimen.

Looking forward to the new experience of Prometrium suppositories. Mmm. Peanut oil. Sounds very sexy.

The good news, they got 9 mature eggs out of thirteen eggs retrieved. Tomorrow morning we will get the report about how many of them fertilized after the ICSI today. Please send some positive vibes over this way for those little eggs!! I really don't want to have to go through this again, so I am hoping for good numbers over the next few days.

I'm sure I'll post again tomorrow to let you know the results.

***Breaking News Update!***
The clinic just called and the numbers have changed.
There were 14 eggs in total.
12 were mature and were injected.
12 fertilized.
They froze 4 this morning.

I promised myself that I could celebrate each small victory along the way because things that are beautiful one day, may not be the same the next. Thanks everyone for sending through such good, positive thoughts. It obviously worked!

Round 'em up, it's harvest time

I visited the clinic this morning for my u/s and bloodwork. Things seem to have progressed to the point where we are ready to harvest this little crop of follicles. While not quite a bumper yield, there are definitely a good number to work with. Hopefully they are filled with eggs and we can move on to the next step!

Actually, when they nurse called to give me the information I was illegally parked waiting for my very late husband to come downstairs from his work. Because I had left all my papers at home beside the phone, I had nothing to write on. Then while in the midst of listening and recording every detail about what we will be doing over the next three days, the commissionaire appears out of nowhere and starts to write me a ticket. I point at the phone on my ear and try to motion to her that I would only be a minute, but she just shook her head and indicated for me to move along. I ignored her and fully suspect that there will be a ticket in the mail.

So the scoop is that we will trigger tomorrow night for a Monday am retrieval. In the panic of trying to simultaneously drive, talk and write, I neglected to ask the obligatory numbers such as E2 and actual number of follicles. Oh well. We pay them enough to do the thinking, so I guess I don't need to worry about recording everything.

I have no actual numbers to report, but it appeared that my right ovary being a bit lazy, produced a disappointing two follicles. My left ovary on the other hand reminded me a bit of a soccerball on the u/s. I think she mentioned something about having over 12 on that side. I'm not really disappointed, but for all the bloating I really felt that they would pronounce my ovaries to be the most stellar producers in recent history. I'm content though.

The anxiety about Monday morning is going to kill me all weekend. I'm going to try to occupy myself by planting flowers and buying new patio furniture so that I can lay out in the 28 degree weather next week (Celsius, of course!) I'm off work for two weeks, so expect hourly updates after Monday!

What is wrong with the world?

I hate to pass judgement on people because you never know what the story is behind the action, but my stomach is bloated, bruised and welted from a multitude of injections, my life is turned upside down, my heart aches for the baby I lost and for the fact that I may never have another one, and I just can't begin to understand. How can someone value human life this little?

Life is so cruel and unfair.

Why, why, why?????

News from Vancouver - Baby found in dumpster

Numbers, numbers

E2 2130
75 rep
125 pur
fri 12 8 bw & us

If you can decipher the cryptic message above then you are a true IFer! Now I need your help...

Day 7 of stims = E2 2130

If this were a Sudoko puzzle, I might have a chance of being able to figure it out. As it is, I can't determine if this is good news or not. The clinic kept my meds at the same level, so I assume that it means that things are progressing OK. First u/s is on Friday morning, so I guess the proof is in the pudding...or in the ovaries as it may be.

Anyone know if this is good news?

** Just found this on IVF Connections:
In Canada E2 levels are measured in picomols and in the United States E2 levels are measured in picograms. If you want to compare numbers, here is how to convert them: Canadian E2 ÷ 3.67 = American E2

Injection Day 6

We told our families about doing IVF a few weeks ago. Mostly, we hadn't discussed it before because they live in another city and it is just one of those things that is hard to do on the phone. We weren't worried at all about what their reaction would be. Our families don't have any particular bent that would cause them to disagree with what we are doing. On the other hand, it is just one of those things that I couldn't seem to bring up with them. It is like telling your parents that you have sex. Or worse, them telling you that they have sex. It's weird.

My husband told his family, and they told him that they wished us the best and hope that all goes well. They are very private people who remain distant, and despite knowing them for 17 years, I sense that I will never enter into the inner circle of their family. I've come to terms with it, and I don't generally worry any more that my relationship with them lacks those warm fuzzy Kodak moments.

When I told my mom, of course I burst into tears and she gave me a big hug without saying a word, which is a good thing (occasionally she says the most insensitive things, although I don't believe that she does it with malice.) So in this case, she felt it was best not to say anything at all which was fine with me. She listened to me drone on about the process and also wished us luck and told me that she would be thinking of us.

Back at home, the injections and medications have begun, and while the few close friends that we have told continually leave thoughtful messages to see how I am doing, I haven't had one call from my family. My husband came home yesterday and said, "My mom called me at work to see how you are doing." So what is wrong with that? Well, is there something wrong with our home phone line that would prevent her call to ME from coming through?

Now, that family is not known for their stellar communication skills (my husband's words), so I don't know why it should bother me. It does.

Even worse than that, my mother and sister haven't called me since I started. I consider myself to be close with both of them, so this feels very strange. For the past 15 years, I have talked to my mom every Sunday on the phone, but at the time when I need her the most, she avoids me. Wow, that hurt.

Well, she finally called yesterday. It had been a bad day. Twice I blew up over ridiculously inconsequential incidents, and actually ended up fleeing in tears to the bedroom where I proceeded to fall asleep for 2 hours. I guess I should be happy that my husband hasn't left me yet; I would have left me by now.

After I awoke, feeling much less like the hormonal terror that I did earlier, my mom called to see how I was doing. She didn't explain why she hadn't called before, but I got the sense that she just didn't know what to say. Surprisingly, she has actually done some research online and has become familiar with some of what we are going through. So I guess that she read somewhere that it is better to call just to say something! She asked me some questions and was sincerely interested and worried. I made a point of letting her know how comforting it has been that my friends are calling me regularly.

I'm very appreciative of this whole blogging community and admire the support that abounds through the comments, but I have to say that it was a relief to talk to my mom.

One final note...I'm so glad that we are doing this before swimsuit season. Otherwise I would have the stress of finding a cute two-piece bikini that matches the mottled bruises on my increasingly bloating midsection. Ugh.

Early bird gets the first poke

The clinic informed me that my first blood test would be this morning before 8am, but that I had to go to a different lab for the draw. So I'm awake at 7am and head over to the lab thinking that I would get there before anyone else. I arrived to find about 30 people standing around waiting in front of the door to the building. You have got to be joking! Oh well, I resign myself to the fact that this would be a long wait, and that after dutifully taking my number I could go bide my time in the coffee shop sipping a yummy latte.

An employee walks up to the front door and looks a bit panicked because she needs to get into the building and realizes that as soon as she opens the door, it is quite possible that this herd of waiting patients will stampede through the door over her and she might not actually make it into work.

Sure enough, the key goes in and everyone takes their mark. Key turns. Silence falls upon the crowd. Door opens and suddenly there is a crush of bodies pressing through the doors to dash to the elevator. Then the elevator opens and everyone makes a mad dash to be the first ones up. Somehow I managed to get pushed in the elevator by this early-morning mob. Lucky me, I wouldn't have to wait after all..

When we made it to the lab, it was actually still closed, so a line-up now forms outside the office door and down the hallway. There were a few moments when I thought that people might start to have it out about who was first in line. The door to the office opened and everyone started to pile in to grab a number. I had resigned myself to going back to my first plan of getting a coffee, and as I was standing at the counter reaching for my number, I heard the lady say that all people from my clinic should not take a number, but rather should wait in line at the counter. How fortuitous! I was first in line.

Drew a vial of blood and I was on my way! I guess I am desperate to find good luck in everything that I do even if it is just being first in line.

Playing Hooky

So far, so good. Aside from the growing collection of quarter-sized welts that are making wearing pants uncomfortable, there is not much new to report on the injection front. For the most part, the onslaught of miserable symptoms that I have read about, continue to allude me (not that I am complaining). In fact, my only real complaint is a pounding headache that caused me to flee home yesterday mid-afternoon to hit the sofa for a nap.

Today, I think that I will take it easy. Normally, I am the type of person who drags myself into work no matter what illness plagues me. Last year, work provided me with a laptop and although they said that the purpose was for me to be able to have a more flexible schedule, I immediately saw through that and know that the real reason is to encourage me not to come into work when I am sneezing and sniffling. Guess they got tired of me infecting the whole office every time I had a cold. The laptop allows me to do my job while quarantined in my house. So aside from the odd day at home with a cold, I haven't really been sick.

When we started this whole hoopla, I fully intended to continue working, only taking off perhaps the day of the retrieval and then maybe a half day after the transfer.

Then suddenly I asked myself, "why?" I work at an educational institution where a very generous agreement allows almost 1.5 sick days per month in addition to an easy-access short term leave policy. Because I have rarely taken advantage of my accumulated sick days, I now have a huge bank of "sick time".

I've experienced a turnabout and now feel that this IVF attempt is as good a reason as any to take time off. I now intend to take full advantage of my sick time over the next month. I deserve time off to relax and try to make a go at this, and subsequently told work that I would be taking two weeks off this month as medical time in addition to intermittent breaks this week, including coming into work very late.

Over the past few weeks, my mornings have consisted of driving my husband to work at 6am then returning home to my laptop where I sit and drink coffee (mostly decaf) and go online for several hours before I go to work. I call it my "therapy" and have convinced myself that this is highly therapeutic and an important factor in keeping my sanity through all of this.

Today, I've decided that I need a whole day of therapy, and am therefore staying home!

T.G.F.H

Thank. Goodness. For. Husbands

Not only are they extremely useful when trying to reach items in high-up cupboards (my hubby is 6'6) and for fixing those nasty plumbing problems, but they also come in handy when one has to inject drugs twice daily!

As you know, there was some anxiety on my part about the idea of these injections. I am strong. I knew that I would survive, but I just didn't like the idea of jabbing my midsection with sharp objects.

Last night I was so anxious that I actually burst out into tears because I suddenly couldn't remember how far we were supposed to pull up the plunger on the syringe. My husband aptly concluded that I wasn't actually upset about the math of the medicine, but rather about the actual idea of stabbing myself. In order to alleviate my panic, he decided that we would do a test run. He approached with the needle and then held up as if he were about to inject it when I realized that it was the 1.5" needle! Some kind of noise escaped from me and then he laughed. Of course, he was joking. Funny. He replaced it with the proper one and then stuck it carefully in my middle.

Of course, it was fine. There was no searing pain. My legs didn't start shaking from the agony. It felt like a mosquito. Just the nurse said it would.

So this morning, at 6am (he works early) we did the first injection and everything went splendidly. A little disappointing actually. No drama.

Next step: self-injection! Another day... or maybe not.

Do you know that feeling...???

You can feel the car pulling you up the tracks and up and up. Clickety, clickety, clickety.....Then you reach the pinnacle, and there is a moment where it feels like you are standing still. Within seconds your stomach will be somewhere in the vicinity of your throat and the anticipation burns through your body....

That is how I feel at this very moment.

Last night Hoover Dam broke and, hallelujah, the clinic informed me that we should start on Wednesday with the first Repronex and Puregon injections. Finally.

Now I know that there is a lot that can happen, but I am excited. Cautiously optimistic. I will take one step at a time by celebrating each small victory and turning to you all when and if things don't go as planned! For the moment, I am going to bask in the elation of beginning this new adventure.

Day ? - Ugghh

Still nothing.

Starting to get down about it.

Peed on a stick just in case...old habits!

I'm going to call the clinic tomorrow and ask them what to do, if there is anything to do.

On another note, I'm having a tough time dealing with one of my friends who happens to be pregnant. In fact, I am not dealing with her at all, and I feel guilty for it. She got pregnant on the first try...literally the first time having sex without a condom. Now everytime I think about calling her, I get a pit in my stomach and I just can't pick up the phone. And that makes me feel even more guilty. She knows that I am not calling her because she told a mutual friend that she noticed. She understands why I am not calling her, but that makes me feel even worse that she knows that I am not calling her because of it. Wow, just read that incoherent sentence back to myself...oh well...you get what I mean. Ugghh. It is like the big pink elephant in the room and I don't know what to do. But then I think that I am being ridiculous and how can I not call her simply because she is pregnant. I should be happy for my friends. I am happy for my friends, but I am unhappy for me.

Day 10 - Part of the game

Nothing yet, despite my fervent effort to scrutinize the toilet paper for any hint of pink. I really just want to get on with things and am slightly annoyed at the delay. I guess this is just part of the whole experience of trying to have a baby:

• Wait one week after mc to get in for D&C (uggg...that was a bad one)
  
• Wait one year of TTC before doctor would refer me to OB GYN
• Wait three months to get an appointment to see him
• Wait for appointments to begin the myriad of tests before starting Clomid
• Wait each month to see if it worked - It didn't
  
• Wait another two months to get in again to see the specialist who gave referral to clinic
• Wait three months for appointment at clinic
• Wait one month for ICSI Orientation appointment
• Wait for day 22 to begin Synarel
• Wait for period to arrive............................and wait...and wait....and wait!

I know it gets worse after the injections start: wait for stimms to do their job, wait for ER, wait for ET, the dreaded "two-week" wait, if lucky pg, but still have to wait to see if it is ectopic or chemical, wait for u/s to see if there is a heartbeat......

Damn it! Hurry up. The anticipation is killing me. The package of needles/alcohol swabs is sitting in the drawer taunting me each time I open it.

Meanwhile, friends continue to get pregnant and have babies around me. Two of my best friends preggers: one with #1 the other with #2, another friend will start in June for #2, another will try in Sept. for #1, sister is 5 months pregnant with #2. So if all of this doesn't work, it is quite likely that in September, literally everyone I know around me will be pregnant! Uggghh.

I know I shouldn't worry about things that might or might not happen in the future, but I have lots of time on my hands and have nothing else to think about because I AM STILL WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 8 - Lady in waiting

So I suck at taking photos! I tried to take a few to brighten everyone's day, but this is the only one that looked OK. Speaking of brightening someone's day, please head over to Nina to drop off a few words of encouragement.

I am still waiting for things to get rolling. Presumably once my period arrives, the clinic will let me know what the next step is. Because my cycle has been a bit irregular since the mc, it ranges anywhere from 25-35 days although it definitely feels like it could arrive anytime now. How long after it starts can I expect to begin the injections? Just wondering because I have been postponing going to buy the drugs, mostly because I can't get over how expensive they are!

As I read stories from other people, I guess I should feel a little bit lucky. So many of you have to commute long distances or even have to stay away from home during treatment, whereas our house is about 3 blocks away from the clinic. This allows me to procrastinate buying the drugs because I know that as soon I get the go ahead to start injections I can head over to the clinic to buy them.

After 8 days of Synarel, I am starting to wonder if the drug is gradually disintegrating my brain tissue with each spray up the nostrils. In addition to the fuzzy head symptom and difficulty operating my automobile in a safe manner, I feel like parts of my memory have been affected causing me to stumble through my day at working wondering where I am supposed to be and when. Again, perhaps this is more about me not concentrating and daydreaming about the next few weeks ahead. I did let them know that I would be taking a bit more time off than I had originally planned. I think my co-workers were secretly relieved that whatever is causing me to turn into an angry, scatterbrained maniac is going to keep me away from them for a while!

Day 7- It!

What a fun distraction! I had planned on going into work late today and this gives me the perfect excuse! I feel very loved for being double-tagged by a fellow Canadian, Barely Sane, and also by Mary Ellen and Steve!

1. I cook a mean Thai coconut soup - went to Thailand last year for the first time and spent a day at a cooking school - let me know if you want the recipe!

2. As a child and young girl, I used to figure skate. I wasn't amazingly good or anything, but I did skate competitively for a couple years. Unfortunately, competitive sports of any kind are expensive, so I gave it up in lieu of my mother taking out a second mortgage. I still have very life-like dreams where I can actually feel myself flying through the air of a quadruple axle!

3. One of my greatest fears in life was always been what if I can't have kids. And that was long before this whole journey started. Hmmmmm. Self-fulfilling prophesy or just bad luck?

4. I live in the most goregous city in the whole world. I will try to post some photos on my blog later!

5. My conversational language repitoire includes English (duh), Dutch, German and French.

6. I am terrified of the future and what it might hold, but am remaining on the cautious side of hopeful for the time being!

Now I think that I am probably one of the last people to get tagged and I am so new that I am not sure if there is anyone left, but here it goes:

AnnMarie
Pamplemousse
Beagle
Thalia
Meg

( I had Soralis down here too...but then I checked and she has already posted hers!!)

I'm sure you already know the rules, but here they are anyways:

1) Go write 6 random or weird facts/things/etc. about yourself in my comment box and on your blog, then tag six more people!

2) Then leave a comment that says ‘You are tagged’ in their comments telling them to read your blog.

Day 6 - Snorting drugs and car accidents

It just doesn't seem like a drug when you snort it through your nose. Aside from a blowout at work and one teary episode where I, once again, questioned "why us?", there really haven't been many side effects from the Synarel that I started last Wednesday. I keep waiting for something big to happen leaving me to question if the darned thing is actually working or not. To make it worse, I'm feeling a bit on my own because the clinic doesn't seem to really get involved until after my period starts and the subsequent injections begin. So I snort away, morning and night, hoping that somewhere in my body something is happening. Perhaps I will look back at this in a few weeks and laugh at myself for being so naive!

I'm not sure if it counts as a side effect of the drugs, but perhaps it is a side effect of this whole situation. I feel like I am losing my mind-literally. I pride myself on being a very good driver. I've always driven a standard (stick shift) because I like the feeling of controlling the car. I don't generally play music, nor do I like people in the car because my tendancy to clip along at a fair pace forces me to concentrate on the road.

Lately, however, I have found myself in a dazy state cruising through intersections without regard to what colour the light is or who else might be driving through, and as a result have had a few close calls. There have been stretches of road where I seem to wake up 5 minutes later and can't remember what happened in the blocks previous. This is very disconcerting and despite not previously planning to take time off for this cycle, I have reconsidered and think that I am going to try to work from home and then take vacation for a few weeks so that I can get through this and avoid injuring anyone on the road!

Besides working from home will mean that I don't have to try to hide the fact that I am actually spending all my time on websites completely unrelated to work!

Day 4 - Someone else's joy

Generally when I hear that yet another friend is pregnant or has just had a baby, I feel conflicted. For the first few moments following the news I have some pangs of self-pity and the big green monster pops up his head. Then after a while I resign myself to being happy for the lucky couple. Fortunately other people can pick up the slack and contribute to the continuation of the species. If it were up to me, the human race would be in big trouble. The other day was an exception.

The email came and delivered the news that a friend of a friend had just had a baby, and for the very first time since experiencing the frustration of not being able to get pregnant again, I was truly overwhelmed by happiness for them. I don't know this couple particularly well but I know that they have gone through hell and back to have this baby.

My friend has been very discreet and doesn't give a lot of details about her friend, but since I have been going through the same kind of experience, she has shared a little bit of her story. A very shortened version (which may not be entirely accurate): A few months after marrying, her husband found out that he had a debilitating muscular disease; then he had a brain tumour accompanied by surgery; then several failed IVF attempts with at least one mc; and then finally the decision to adopt and the long journey that goes with that new dream. At the same time they finally heard the good news of an impending adoption, they also found out that miraculously she was pregnant. The rollercoaster continued: while pregnant, his sister passed away, and another tumour was discovered in his brain.

The other day she delivered a beautiful baby girl, and honestly, no one in the whole world deserves it more. Never having beeing through anything even close to what they have, I don't know what it takes to get through all of that. I do know that I admire this couple immensely for their courage and strength.

Day 3 - Can’t you just put it off a month or so?

I don't know why this bothered me so much because I am sure that for people who haven't dealt with infertility a month doesn't seem like a long time. For me, however, each month adds to the sad accumulation of days sans children.

Last night a friend of my DH showed up at dinner time, so we invited him to stay—that kills me that people just drop by at dinner-time! Anyway, over dinner he made the suggestion that we join them for a short one week cruise to Alaska near the end of May. What a nice idea.

OK, I have to back up by saying that we really haven’t told many people about what we are doing. It is just that for the most part our friends are all pregnant or have kids or we just don’t feel like explaining the whole thing. We are also fairly private people who share our details with a few of our closest friends because not everyone in our circle needs to know how and when I am being drugged, poked and prodded. I don’t want to hear “So how is it going?” at every turn.

So I try to be casual about it and say,
“Yes, that is a nice idea. We’ve got a few things going on this month, so we’ll get back to you.”
“When do you think you can decide?”
“Not sure, we can’t really make any travel plans for the coming month," figuring this would put things off.
“Why not?”

So at this point I realize that there isn’t really any way out of this except to say, “None of your business” which might not have gone over very well or we could lie and fabricate some lame excuse. Instead, I try to be brief and just say that we are going through some medical procedures.

“Why, what’s wrong?”

Well, I could have gone into a long rant about how rude that is to ask people about their health, but I caved and blurted out, “We are doing IVF this month”.

He looks at me with a puzzled expression “I-V-F??”

I almost laughed…he really had no idea what I was talking about.

“You know, in-vitro…..” tick…tick….tick…his brain working….tick…tick…

“Ohhhhhhh…..” He gets it, “I see. So what is involved in that?”

I didn’t even begin to get into it. I gave a brief explanation that we don’t really have exact dates of when things will happen because it all relates to drugs, my body, my and the alignment of the planets (kidding),and as a result we can’t commit to anything until the end of May.

He replies, “Can’t you just wait a month and start in June?”

Yeah, why don’t we do that. I guess this is why we didn’t tell him about it in the first place.

Day 2 - The Anticlimax

So I just want to know, if I blew up at a colleague yesterday, can I blame it on the meds already? Since I only started yesterday morning, I doubt it....but it felt good nonetheless. I am the epitome of calm at work and never raise my voice let alone actually get mad at anyone. The whole office kind of stopped, like a frozen moment in time wondering what just happened. Not sure why I did it, but I guess I am tired of being the happy one all the time.

It actually feels a bit anticlimactic today. There is a whole lot of work up to beginning this process: the initial appointments, the tests, the diagnosis, the research, endless discussions, the decision, more tests, more appointments, the $money$, and then the countdown to the much anticipated start day. Here we are at Day 2 and life is trucking along pretty much as it always has. Where are the fireworks and the marching band?

I'm a bit aprehensive about the impending needles that are still two weeks away, and while I have been reassured by a few fellow IVFers that really, they are nothing to worry about, I'm not sure that I believe them. I guess time will tell. I've also been reading a lot of other people's blogs which is immensely helpful as provides a glimpse into the crystal ball and shows what could happen-good or bad. It is a bit intimidating though to read through the myriad of vocabulary associated with infertility. It isn't even so much the acronyms, but rather getting all the drugs straight and trying to figure out what it means when someone mentions follicle size or what the implications are of the statement, "I'm on Lupron". I guess I still have a lot of reading to do.

Prologue

Two and half years ago in October, my husband and I were married (after 15 years of dating!). We spent our honeymoon in the beautiful city of San Francisco where we indulged in the most delicious meals, unbelievable wine and lots of other predictable honeymoon antics. We returned home and two weeks later were quite surprised to discover that "yippee" I had conceived!

It took a couple weeks to get our heads around this because while we wanted to have children, we just didn't think that it would happen so quickly. We waited until Christmas, the usual three months, before telling our families and friends. It was a joyous holiday and everyone was extremely pleased to hear our news.

At the 18 week checkup, just a week before our first ultrasound, the doctor was unable to find a heartbeat. It was like being hit by a train. Everything around me started to spin and I simply couldn't believe what I was hearing. I imagine that it feels like falling off a cliff--your stomach is in your throat and suddenly everything has changed. Our future dissolved in a few quick words. I can't imagine every feeling as profoundly sad as I did that day.

The next week was a blur. Everyone was very supportive, but nothing helps that heartbreak subside. Truth be told, the only the thing that did help was talking to others who had gone through the same experience and reading others' stories through boards and blogs.

Time went on and the hole in my heart started to fill with the hope of trying again. Months went by and despite lots of trying, nothing happened. I began to grow resentful of the flippant suggestions about how to conceive. The top 3 most irritating suggestions (usually from people who already have kids):

3. "Have you read the book 'Taking Charge of your Fertility'? It worked for us.
2. "Try putting a pillow under your hips?"
1. "Just relax and don't think about it"

It is hard to know how to react to these comments because I am not typically a bitchy person with quick comebacks. So instead of yelling, "eff off" in their face, I usually just smile and say, "thanks for the advice, we'll give that a try". There is no point in trying to explain to people how it feels to live your life in two week increments or how it feels to have a fight with your husband and then have to jump into bed, still mad, and have sex because it is on the schedule and this might be only time you are ovulating.

So that is the background. I am going to try to be somwhat more lighthearted through the rest of my future posts, but I haven't been able to find the humour in our miscarriage. Maybe in time I will.

I am starting these chronicles rather in the middle of our efforts. I've already been on Clomid for a total of 4 months, and we had one unsucessful attempt with IUI. After a consultation with the fertility clinic we have decided to proceed with an ICSI cycle this month. Tomorrow I begin the first round of medication (Synarel), although after shelling out for the whole thing yesterday, I already feel a little cranky!

What I am worried most about is how I will react to the drugs...and the needles of course. Hormones seem to affect the females in our family a little more for some reason, thus I fear the amplified emotional side effects that are likely to accompany the next few weeks. I have a few close friends in whom I have confided, and they promised to run interference and pick up the pieces when I happen to blow up at any of the others in the group! Perhaps I am blowing it out of perspective and it will all be fine. I guess only time will tell what is in store for us. Hopefully, these Conception Chronicles won't be more than a few chapters. Stay tuned.