Prologue

Two and half years ago in October, my husband and I were married (after 15 years of dating!). We spent our honeymoon in the beautiful city of San Francisco where we indulged in the most delicious meals, unbelievable wine and lots of other predictable honeymoon antics. We returned home and two weeks later were quite surprised to discover that "yippee" I had conceived!

It took a couple weeks to get our heads around this because while we wanted to have children, we just didn't think that it would happen so quickly. We waited until Christmas, the usual three months, before telling our families and friends. It was a joyous holiday and everyone was extremely pleased to hear our news.

At the 18 week checkup, just a week before our first ultrasound, the doctor was unable to find a heartbeat. It was like being hit by a train. Everything around me started to spin and I simply couldn't believe what I was hearing. I imagine that it feels like falling off a cliff--your stomach is in your throat and suddenly everything has changed. Our future dissolved in a few quick words. I can't imagine every feeling as profoundly sad as I did that day.

The next week was a blur. Everyone was very supportive, but nothing helps that heartbreak subside. Truth be told, the only the thing that did help was talking to others who had gone through the same experience and reading others' stories through boards and blogs.

Time went on and the hole in my heart started to fill with the hope of trying again. Months went by and despite lots of trying, nothing happened. I began to grow resentful of the flippant suggestions about how to conceive. The top 3 most irritating suggestions (usually from people who already have kids):

3. "Have you read the book 'Taking Charge of your Fertility'? It worked for us.
2. "Try putting a pillow under your hips?"
1. "Just relax and don't think about it"

It is hard to know how to react to these comments because I am not typically a bitchy person with quick comebacks. So instead of yelling, "eff off" in their face, I usually just smile and say, "thanks for the advice, we'll give that a try". There is no point in trying to explain to people how it feels to live your life in two week increments or how it feels to have a fight with your husband and then have to jump into bed, still mad, and have sex because it is on the schedule and this might be only time you are ovulating.

So that is the background. I am going to try to be somwhat more lighthearted through the rest of my future posts, but I haven't been able to find the humour in our miscarriage. Maybe in time I will.

I am starting these chronicles rather in the middle of our efforts. I've already been on Clomid for a total of 4 months, and we had one unsucessful attempt with IUI. After a consultation with the fertility clinic we have decided to proceed with an ICSI cycle this month. Tomorrow I begin the first round of medication (Synarel), although after shelling out for the whole thing yesterday, I already feel a little cranky!

What I am worried most about is how I will react to the drugs...and the needles of course. Hormones seem to affect the females in our family a little more for some reason, thus I fear the amplified emotional side effects that are likely to accompany the next few weeks. I have a few close friends in whom I have confided, and they promised to run interference and pick up the pieces when I happen to blow up at any of the others in the group! Perhaps I am blowing it out of perspective and it will all be fine. I guess only time will tell what is in store for us. Hopefully, these Conception Chronicles won't be more than a few chapters. Stay tuned.