Back on the rollercoaster

I don't know how my husband will ever recover from today's drama. Women are used to drama and I think that we bounce back easier.

Last night there were serious AF cramps in addition to pain. The Tylenol helped with the pain, but not the cramping.

Around noon today, I ventured to the bathroom to measure another cup of pee. Leaned over to put the cup into the sink, grabbed the paper to wipe, and low and behold....BRIGHT RED!!

I lost my breath for a moment before I went completely hysterical. Had it been spotting, you know, a bit brownish pre-AF spotting, I wouldn't have freaked, but it was really red like AF was here in full force. Then the cramping and back aches all seemed to flood over me at once. I phoned my husband, unable to speak because I was crying so hard. He said he would leave work immediately to come home.

When he got here, he immediately phoned the clinic and talked to the nurse. She obviously sensed how upset we were and recommended that we go right away for the blood test and then they could call us back later this afternoon. If it was my period, then the cycle hadn't worked, if I am pregnant, they'd be more concerned about the bleeding. Now, remember, we've already done two pee sticks and know that for at least 24 hours I was pregnant.

At that point I was less hysterical, but still upset. We went to the lab where they tested for pregnancy and OHSS. Then we waited.

At first, my husband was trying hard to cheer me up and was saying anything possible to make me feel better, but after a while, it started to hit him and then he became sullen and sad too. He is the eternal optimist, so when he is sad about something, then there is something to be sad about.

Finally, after a gruelling 4 hours, the nurse calls us back and he answers the phone. She is talking to him and he is listening. Then there is a very very tiny glint in his eye and he smiled; not huge mind you, but he smiled and passed me the phone.

Turns out the beta was 478, so at this moment the IVF appears to have worked. She said that the cramping could be pg symptoms or the ovaries still recovering. The blood could be a number of things as well. If there were two, one could be fizzling out, or it could be blood from something entirely unrelated (like what?...a paper cut?)

When I hung up the phone my husband was happy, of course, but also very annoyed at the scare and actually left to go play soccer. I think that guys just don't get it. After going through all of this, seeing bright red blood when wiping, equates to disaster. He doesn't understand what I was so worried about and annoyingly told me not to scare him like that.

So, why am I not super happy? This is the result that we wanted yet, I feel like I am balancing on the edge of a cliff and just as I was starting to fall off, I was pulled back and am now back to balancing on my heels.

Funny, how people who don't deal with IF would have gotten this same news and would probably be, at this moment, celebrating with their partners. The excitement and anticipation of a nice round belly and a future with kids. Yet, somehow I feel robbed. Here I am with the news that we all wait for, any many people never get, and I am not ecstatic. I just feel tired from crying all day thinking that it was all over. I'm still worried about what will happen.

Hopefully tomorrow will be much less dramatic!